Illegal bLoGGing

I went down to the common kitchen of the girl’s floor to fix myself some tea. I found her unceremoniously cutting a large grapefruit in two. It would be her dinner, she told me.  “No wonder you could maintain that killer figure,” with the pout of my lips pointed towards her midsection. I noticed her fair cheeks turned rosy.

Damn! What a cute tiny face. How easy it is to flatter girls, I thought. Most especially this pretty blonde girl from Budapest whom I was sure was not used to Pinoy "bola".

Sensing her falling into it, I continued with my barrage of flattering lines; equivalent to a sales talk which I was certain would have convinced an Eskimo to buy ice from me in Alaska.

All of a sudden, a lá twilight zone [tinininin-tinininin…], I found myself in her room, sitting on her bed while munching on chocolates she brought from her hometown. I didn’t bother to ask how to say the name of the chocolate. It was written with a strange-looking vowel, followed by three consecutive consonants. My mind was actually busy thinking of more smart lines to sweep her off her feet – literally.

I was still staring on the chocolate box when it suddenly occurred to me. There was light! I could almost feel a 120 watts incandescent bulb got switched on inside my head.

“Can you teach me how to say, ‘I love you’, in your language?”
“Why? What for?” she was obviously hesitating to tell me.
“Well, just to expand my vocabulary for the word, you know. It might come quiet handy,” saying it with a stupid grin on my face, “and I already know it in Italian, French, German, Spanish, Japanese, even in Zulu, Bulgarian and Czech. It would be nice to say it in Magyar.”
“Ok, it’s széretlek.”
“Aah, chereklek.”
“No, it’s szé-ret-lek.”
“Isn’t that what I was saying? Che-rek-lek.”

She couldn’t contain her laughter. Oh, god, I love her Meg Ryan-giggles. I know she was enjoying every bit of it and so I just continued with my act, though I knew I sounded like a Hungarian retard repetitively saying, “Che-rek-lek!”

Her giggling turned into fits of laughter, as I changed my voice to sound like Matutina.

“Oh, you are so cute! You are like a sweet little Hungarian boy. Ok, look at me, it’s like you should put your tongue under your front teeth and just say the word.”

And so I did.

I leaned my head towards hers and in one single solemn breath I whispered to her ear, “Széretlek, Louise.”

Silence.

She was stunned. And so was I. “Carpe Diem!” was everything I could hear echoing in my head. “Seize the moment, gaddemit, cadet. Go for the kill!” almost reminding me of my infantry sergeant during my ROTC days at the UP sunken garden.

And so I held her chin, fixed my abyssmal dark eyes into her deep-blue ones, slowly brought my mouth to hers, and softly caressed her succulent lips with the tip of my tongue. My hands; they moved as if they knew what they were going to do, exploring places they’ve not been before, unlatching every button and unhooking every hook they could find, and finally pulling down the veil covering the obra. And before my eyes revealed a work of art so fine I thought I could die. It was Venus in all her mortal glory!

“Oh, my sweet lord Jesus! This is my night. What good have I done in my past life to relish this beautiful creature you brought into this world? Forgive me, for I know what I’m going to do.”

Her moans betrayed her need for salvation in the kingdom of the hypocrites.
I was about to nail her when she casually asked if I have condoms with me.
“Of course, just a minute and I’ll fetch a dozen upstairs!” and gave her the dirtiest wink in the entire planet, as I put on my jeans and shirt and hastily left.

Of course, I lied! I didn’t have condoms in my room. In fact, I never had one.
Demmit! How would I know I was going to crucify my first tonight? Besides, it has been barely a month that Louise and I knew each other and I never expected this drastic development between us.

And so I found myself again in a twilight zone fashion, running in the dead of a chilly winter night, towards the nearest 7-11.
It took me a good 10 minutes to get back to Louise, although it should take one at least half an hour in a non-emergency situation.
But to my heart-breaking surprise, she was already dressed up, and casually said,
“I am so sorry. I changed my mind. I want to know you closer, you know. We should probably wait.”

Holy cuck! What the frap? Didn’t she just hold the mic and sang the Ketchup Song with it a while ago? And wasn’t I there at the entrance of paradise with St. Peter’s full consent? How much closer Adam and Eve could get?
My whole world shattered. My disappointment at that very moment was larger than all my disappointments on all flunked exams combined in my entire school life.

Oh, my sweet mother of God! What have I done in the past ten minutes to deserve this bitter fate? I even left my change to the 7-11 guy to show how grateful I was with this chance of a lifetime. And you were taking it from me just like that?

“Oh, ok. No worries. I can wait, you know. I also think we should slow down a bit.”
I was lying to my teeth and I could feel Mother Earth beneath me was going to open up anytime soon and swallow me whole if I didn’t shut up my mouth.

And so, with my right hand clutching the prophylactics in my pocket, and my left hand concealing my boxers under my jacket, I headed towards the door and once again, left in haste.

That night, alone in my bed, I watched my eager haploids flooded my chest. I took pity on these living bits of mine for they would never feel how it was to be in that warm, "happy" place where they were supposed to be unleashed.

"You guys almost did it. You were close to being pioneers. I salute you!” and wiped them off with a handful of Kleenex.